In any given week, you will probably talk to dozens or hundreds of people. Most of these conversations will probably be about perfunctory, practical matters: “Two tickets, please,” “No, after you,” or “Darling, do you know where Liam’s swimming trunks are?” At other times, these conversations swish gently, as with two friends chatting over coffee, or they might ramble in a debate about who’s better: the Reds or the Blues. But according to Oprah Winfrey, everyone in every conversation mostly wants the same thing.
Winfrey has interviewed tens of thousands of people over her incredible 30-year career. She’s interviewed Michael Jackson, Barack Obama, and Meghan Markle, as well as a group of neo-Nazis and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (two groups who may or may not overlap). Winfrey recalls that the moment the camera stops running, and the production crew whisks off the mics, guests will invariably ask the same thing: “How did I do?”
The need for validation
Of course, you are not the president of the United States. You are not a prince across the water. You are not a neo-Nazi Turtle. And so, while you might not explicitly ask your friend, “How did I do?” after a meetup or a night out, you will probably think it. As far back as we can see, humans have been seeking status, recognition, and validation from others. Jean-Jacques Rousseau argued that this all began the moment we went from hunter-gatherer individuals to living in houses and communities. When we were in this pre-social condition, we cared only for doing and for living. The second we sat opposite someone around a campfire, we looked at them. Worse, we felt them looking back. And so, public perception became anxiety number one.
This imagined pre-social world is fairly unscientific and unhistorical; at best, it’s unprovable. But in his recent book, The Crisis of Narration, the Korean philosopher Byung-Chul Han argues that there has been a different shift in recent years. Han argues that humans have long been “storytelling” creatures. We present an account of our lives and usually try to include all the slow, deep structures of the story. Yes, we wanted to be liked and accepted, but the emphasis was still mostly on the fact that “this is who I am, accept me or don’t.”
When he was alive, I remember my grandfather telling me great stories about his life. Of course, with the earned privilege of age, he didn’t give a rip for what we grandkids thought of him. But he would lay out the details of his life in stark and often shocking authenticity. This was his life, this was who he was, and this is why he did it. I’m sure he still cared that we loved and respected him, but my grandfather told great stories, and I always felt I knew him better for it.
Recently, though, Han argues that we have moved from storytelling to storyselling. Now, we invent or exaggerate our stories in such a way that they will be accepted or liked. We twist who we are to fit into the group we are with. We say we believe this or that we’ve done that, knowing full well that others will say, “Oh yeah, great.” Of course, this is unhappy. This constructed mask of faux-authenticity suffocates us. But it’s also comically absurd. An entire room of people can be storyselling fabricated narratives while underneath the groupthink and nodding assent, everyone thinks it’s nonsense.
The Oprah Rule
Whether you agree with Han or Rousseau, the point is much the same: Everyone wants to be validated and accepted. And so, if we want to make someone feel better about who they are — if we want to cultivate closer, intimate relationships — we should use the “Oprah Rule.”
The Oprah Rule involves two parts. First, we intentionally present our interlocutor with opportunities to be validated. We ask questions like, “How did that feel when it happened?”, “What were you thinking when they said that?”, or “I’d love to hear about why that was so important to you.” Second, make sure to provide all the explicit validation they are seeking; say, “I can understand that,” “I can see why you thought that,” and “I think you did great.”
The Oprah Rule is built upon a more fundamental philosophical and empathetic foundation: We need to meet people where they are. As Han put it, we should treat “listening as a healing act” and stop buying people’s stories but accepting them, instead. Step inside someone’s shoes, see the world with their eyes, and invite them to express themselves. Invite someone to tell their story and not to invent or sell it. And as you do so, listen well and accept the gift and vulnerability they offer you.
This article The Oprah Rule: What everyone wants you to say in a conversation is featured on Big Think.